Caregiver's Corner

Another update!

Again, let me thank you for all your care for our children. Letters make their lives brighter. It’s a pity not all of the children get letters from their U.S. friends. They really wait for their letters. Not very long ago in our local newspaper there was an article about our summer guests Sarah and Ben. Children read and re-read this article. They miss Sarah and Ben very much! They send their love to them and ask to come to them this summer again. Thank you for your support,

From Irina Nikolaevna

First, we can't believe we made the newspaper! We had a few jokes from our trip to Dolbiylova about being ready for the media, but apparently we should have been. I am so curious to see the article when we return. We are so excited to visit again (have we mentioned that?) and bring more friends to love on these kids.

About the letters . . . it is so hard to have a few kids who are not getting letters and a few who are. We have 2 children left who don't have a pen pal at all, and we just have no way of knowing who is writing to their children regularly and who isn't. Every time we hear from the caregivers, they say they wish everyone would receive letters. We do, too! If you have a pen pal or are a child sponsor, please try to write each month--why not write today? If you know someone who is writing, ask them when they last wrote. Let's help each other! It's hard to keep up, our lives are so full. Not so for our children, who wait anxiously for the letters and ask for them each time the discipler visits.

We'll have another letter drive very soon. Last time we went, we brought so many beautiful gifts, but the letters were the biggest hit. Our fellow travelers will vouch for us after they see it themselves.

If you'd like to be a pen pal or a child sponsor, drop me a note and we'll get you set up.

Speaking the Language of Love with an Accent

Just the last year of MSW studies has increased the depth and range of my understanding of children who have experienced trauma, abuse, or neglect, as our children at Sovietsk have. Dr. Bruce Perry's The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog offers explanations based in psychiatry--brain science--and explores the long-term effects of early childhood experiences on development. I would recommend it to anyone interested in learning more about these children.

In the chapter called "Skin Hunger," we read of Laura, a little girl who was literally wasting away. She had plenty of food--she was on a high-calorie feeding tube diet--but her body could not metabolize the food because of emotional neglect. It is like a human runt syndrome. Without nurture and stimulation, the body's growth hormone shuts off. She was 26 pounds at age 4.

What I find extremely fascinating is that Laura's mother, Virginia, was truly doing everything she knew to nurture Laura. She knew to feed her, bathe her, change her. But she didn't know to hold her, sing to her, smile at her. She didn't know how to experience love herself, so she didn't know how to share it with her daughter.

Virginia had no attachment at infancy--she was moved from home to home until the age of 5, well after her brain had been 'programmed' with how human relationships work. Virginia never experienced the repeated, patterned stimuli children need to learn emotional give and take or empathy. She didn't even learn to associate human contact with joy. However, from ages 5-18, she lived with a kind, caring family who taught her strong values and moral direction. Her cognitive brain developed with an understanding of right from wrong, but her emotional foundation was weak and incomplete.

The hope in this is that with proper intervention, Virginia learned to give Laura what she needs. Laura grew into a healthy young woman. But as Dr. Perry says, the scars for both of them remain. Dr. Perry tells us that if a child doesn't learn a new language before puberty, the child will speak the new language with an accent--the brain cannot accommodate the information as completely as it could have at an earlier developmental stage. He says the same for Laura and Virginia--while they have learned how to smile and relate in social situations, their natural language is more withdrawn, reserved, even sad.

This guides our work at Sovietsk. Some of these children experienced attachments as infants, some never have. Some have experienced pain and fear that I can never understand. Most of them missed some important emotional developmental milestones, and they've had to learn to function with pieces of themselves missing. Those who grow up to have relationships and families of their own may find themselves lost in a foreign language--they truly, honestly do not know what so many of us feel as natural and fundamental. They speak the language of love with an accent, if they can learn the language at all.

When we go, we hope to expand their love vocabularies. We look them in the eye. We touch them gently and appropriately--no violation or threat involved. We respect them unconditionally, simply for being who they are. We are patient when they struggle with conversation, we remember that they are learning to navigate a new world. We listen when they finally can share. We just love them. We cannot fill the void in their hearts and minds, but we pray to the one who can. And we hope, hope, hope they gain enough understanding to find a way to love again, even just enough, so their children can experience what they have missed.

Photo Credit: David Madison

Discipler's Update

Here is a letter from Ann, the new discipler at Sovietsk:

Dear Friends,

I am glad that I continue working with Sovietsk as it is very rewarding. The children are healthy; two of them went to the sanatorium to have some rest in January. During their winter holidays, they went to Kirov several times for charity New Year and Christmas show in a café. They also had an exhibition of their handmade works. The headmaster was really proud of the results. Some orphanage graduates came to visit their teachers and friends.

On February 23rd there was a marvelous party for all children. There was a group of guests from Kirov who organized the event. Children liked everything, and I’m sure they will be eager to share their emotions. Now the orphanage is preparing for the Shrovetide and the Women’s Day holiday. Shrovetide will take place on the 1st of March, and it will surely be very bright and memorable.

Thanks for your writing and continuous support. Your support means a lot to all of us.

From Ann Butorova

We are looking forward to meeting Ann on our next trip. She has a lot of enthusiasm and is very committed to the children, which is just what they need!

Sponsor funds pay for Ann's visits to Sovietsk, as well as for special events and celebrations like you read about above. They also pay for arts and crafts lessons, which allows them opportunities to meet other kids and have the exhibition. Trips to the city and extra visitors are wonderful for all children, and they are special and rare for children in the orphanages.

February 23 is Defender of the Fatherland (or Motherland) Day, and Shrovetide is similar to Mardi Gras (without the raucous party atmosphere) in that you eat pancakes and Lent begins, and of course, Women's Day is March 8.

Our kids go to the sanatorium fairly often, as some of them have some health challenges. In Russia, though, sanatorium is quite different than we think of. It's a place for the children to go when they are ill, so they can rest, relax, receive treatment, and keep other children from getting ill. Above, you see some of the special treatments the children at Sovietsk receive, as many of them have latent tuberculosis--though they are not sick while at the orphanage.

More letters to come!

Re-emerging

Looks like May 2009 was a sparse month for blogging--but it was full of personal and professional activity. With that winding down, we'll be diving full-on into preparations for our 2009 visit to Sovietsk. Our team is settling in to be an excellent group of individuals whose skills and strengths will complement each other well. And the kids will be so excited to have more visitors!

We just got another update from the orphanage--as always, heartwarming and hopeful. I am ready to get back to see them!

Here is the first part, a sweet note from some of the littlest children:

Dear American Friends,

We want to congratulate you on the past St.Valentine’s day. We celebrate it, though it is not our holiday. We exchanged handmade valentine cards. Now we want to congratulate you on this holiday with a small poem and we want to wish you lots of love.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, You are so kind, We love you.

Vova L., Lesha K., Larisa K.

We just got that last week, so there's an example of how long it takes our letters to travel.

Here is the sweetest part, though: none of these children have sponsors! Both Vova and Larisa have pen-pals, though, and Lesha is brand-new to the orphanage (I believe--this is the first I have seen her name.) Sponsorship is so important, and we are thrilled to share that 18 of 29 children now have sponsors. But letters are the MOST important!

Have we said that enough here?

Of the 29 children, 4 of them do not have pen pals. 3 of those children will graduate soon and must face the world, and 1 is a sweet little boy who has overcome many challenges in his little life. Sponsorship is wonderful, and it requires a financial commitment of $34 a month. But letter writing can have an immense impact, and it is FREE! It only requires an email or a letter every month.

If you or someone you know is interested in becoming a pen-pal for a child in the orphanage, please drop us an email. For those of you who are already writing, the kids said it best:

You are so kind, we love you.

English lessons

We're in the midst of trying to raise support for a year's worth of English lessons for the kids at Sovietsk. During our most recent visit, Katya told us that she wants to learn to speak English so that when she grows up she can be a translator. We realized that she probably came to this conclusion because she really looks up to her discipler, who also serves as our translator. This is not a far fetched goal. There is a young lady working for Nadezhda Fund (the Russian arm of Children's HopeChest) as a translator who is also an orphanage graduate. Because she took English lessons at the orphanage and proved proficient at the language she was able to continue studying at university, eventually earning a college degree. That is not something that many kids in her situation are able to do for myriad reasons, but we want to give them options and opportunities. English lessons can make the future wide open for the kids through employment, education, and confidence.


$43 pays for a week of English lessons for all 29 children at Sovietsk Orphanage! We already have two weeks paid for, but we need more. Please consider helping us meet our goal. If you look to the right hand column on this web page you will see a badge through which you can donate for a year of English lessons. It's really easy to do.


Please designate funds towards Sovietsk English Lessons. Thank you!

Happy Mother's Day

In Russia, they don't celebrate Mother's Day today--it's all wrapped into Women's Day in March. But on Mother's Day, I think of our children at Sovietsk, and of their mothers, and of the 4 million children worldwide who are without their mothers, and of their mothers, and of the children of all ages who miss their mothers, and of the mothers around the world who are longing for their children.

I also think of my mother, of the example of grace, wisdom, and courage she has given to me, and I am humbled and grateful to be her daughter. I think of my grandmothers, my great-grandmothers, my mother-in-law, my sisters-in-law, my aunts, my cousins, the grandmothers and foster mothers I work with, the orphanage caregivers, my friends who are mothers--young mothers, experienced mothers, mothers-to-be, and I am thankful for all of the women who give of themselves so that children can grow into strong, loving, and giving adults.

And, I think of the Sovietsk Supporters--some who are mothers of growing children, some with children who are grown, some who are soon-to-be mothers, some who are mothers at heart, some who are individuals with love to give--who give of themselves to nurture hurting children, and who expect nothing in return.

To each and every one of you, thank you for giving your heart. And Happy Mother's Day!

Safety, Permanence, Well-Being

Many of you know I am working on my MSW and specializing in child welfare, working to empower parents and families to ensure that children are protected and nurtured. In the US, the consensus in child welfare is that adults need to provide children with safety, permanence, and well-being in order for them to grow into healthy, strong individuals. Sometimes we do well, sometimes we don't. The same is true for our children in Russia.

The orphanage is a strong attempt at providing safety for a child, and Sovietsk does as well or better than any orphanage we've seen at keeping children safe--thanks to staff like Vovo, above with the guys, or Sveta, below with the girls . We are so thankful for that. But, when you have 18 year old boys living with young women, or older children who have experienced abuse or violence living with younger vulnerable children, and there are only so many adults to go around, there are special considerations. We've visited an orphanage of over 100 children where boys and girls shared rooms and where there was 1 night staff. It's hard to imagine that each of those children is safe.

The biggest challenge at Sovietsk may be establishing permanence. Permanence, for a child, is inextricably linked to psychological stability--it is hard for a child to flourish when he or she is always wondering what is next. In my practicum working with kinship families (relatives, often older grandparents, who are caring for children as their own), I came across this extremely relevant statement:

A child who is orphaned loses his parents once, and it is permanent and tragic. A child whose parents are in jail, in rehab, on the street or just missing, harbors a hope of returning to them but in the meantime loses them over and over again as they wander in and out of the child's life. Strange as it may seem, a sudden death may be easier for a child to handle than months or even years of not knowing. It is the difference between a clean break and prolonged uncertainty, and certainty is extremely important to children.*

Ben and I have witnessed firsthand the heartbreak of this repeated loss. Of the 29 children at Sovietsk, I believe only 3 have parents who are deceased--the rest have parents either unwilling, unable, or ill-equipped to care for them. On our last visit, we spent time with a young man who was expecting to spend the summer with his mother. She didn't come through, and he stayed at the orphanage while his friends were at camp. We sat with a sweet girl who receive a letter from her mother informing her that another baby was on the way. She responded as outwardly dismissive, saying she had negative feelings toward her mother for drinking too much and leaving her at the orphanage. It can be hard for those who have never experienced this to understand, but even with those negative feelings, there is a yearning for the acceptance and love that only a mother can give. She has to wonder--will my mother keep this child, but not me? Will I know my brother or sister? Will we ever be a family? Each time another hope is crushed, the child loses the parent all over again.

This is why the nature of what Sovietsk Supporters do is so important. Material gifts cannot bring love and acceptance, or well-being, to hurting children. We can never fill the void left by missing parents, but we can be a stable source of acceptance and love for children who have no understanding of what that means. We can do our part to ensure their well-being, even in the turbulence and impermanence of an orphanage. They did nothing to deserve a life without a family, and we who have so much love to give do everything we can to show them that love is possible.

*de Toldedo, S. & Brown, D. E. (1995). Grandparents as Parents. New York: The Guilford Press.